Always Trapped (Lyrics)

I keep letting my friends down with the advice to not give up. I think I say it because I’m selfish; I think I lie for the crutch because I’ve grown too confused - I can’t tell if I even care enough to hold on to anything except the past, to tiny fractures of truth. I think the saddest thing is that by removing myself from everything I think I’ll change. I think I’ll find some sort of place that isn’t doomed to draw me into a life that won’t fulfill me. I take all my cues from these nihilistic points of view, but they write. They’re hypocrites - if there is no such worth, then what’s the point of trying? Why are we wasting sleep? It’s in my mantra: I don’t know. If this feels unspecific it’s just caused by how foreign I feel to every past emotion I have had, because apathy - you still feed on me, endlessly. Now I feel this jealousy, I swear it runs right inside of me. I keep losing my own love. You were right to leave and I am wrong to write and if you hear or read this I apologize, but I still think that you should know: there’s no point in trying to forget the past. I am a pillar of salt, and I will always look back. Disappointed. Too familiar. Forever yearning, always trapped. I know why I spent three years running away - I don’t care about today, always fearing yesterday. I think of tomorrow like the idea was absurd - memories sting but in my head, I can find a cure. I define purpose by how much something hurts so I drove three hours to embrace how your city looks but my mistakes, you know they never get old - and Providence, you never felt so cold. I’m familiar. Unfamiliar.